


Nature Kinks Pt. 3: The Aftermath

by riot3672



Series: Stupid Avengers Camping Adventures [3]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Aftermath of sex, Awkward Conversations, Crack Relationships, Denial of Feelings, Fluff and Crack, Inappropriate Humor, Multi, Sexual Humor, Wilderness, grumpy twins, oh god why am i still writing this shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-29
Updated: 2015-12-29
Packaged: 2018-05-10 03:41:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5569549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/riot3672/pseuds/riot3672
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On the last day of the worst camping trip ever, Pietro and Wanda are done. However, Steve isn't. No thanks to the twins running off during every attempt at a field mission, Steve rearranges everyone's bathroom buddies, putting Natasha with Wanda and Pietro with Clint. And, after everyone's quality time in the tent the night before, there's no happy ending to the trip.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nature Kinks Pt. 3: The Aftermath

 Wanda knew she might as well ask Pietro to run them back to civilization the moment she heard that they were going to extend activities into Sunday afternoon. Apparently, Steve had activities planned for Friday, but there had been what had been called the “Pietro Incident.” So, the cars were leaving at 5 pm that evening.

Wanda asked Pietro to leave early. 

He declined.

No one in Tent Volcano Porn & Orgy House had talked about any of the two nights in the tent, and Wanda wasn’t sure whether that was a relief or a hindrance. It was easy enough to maintain eye contact with Pietro—there was nothing that could shame them at that point—but she had no idea what to do about Clint and Natasha. Was Clint married? Was that still a thing? Did Natasha like her, and that was why that entire night had happened? Was Pietro mad? Was Pietro mad because she’d shared a vibrator with Natasha or because Clint had shoved his dick up his ass? Was she supposed to be mad? She didn’t even have the energy to read anyone’s minds to find out. 

Wanda sat sunken into a soccer chair, a cup of steaming hot coffee—too hot to drink—keeping her hand warm, acutely aware of the fact that nothing, especially not the fact that Steve was handing out slices of bread, was going to make this day any better. She mentally noted to remember that she hated the wilderness. Maybe even hated the wilderness more than she hated the urban jungle of decaying Sokovia, and she’d spent a lot of effort hating that.

Pietro inspected his piece of un-toasted bread. “Why do I feel like we’re back in those Sokovian homeless shelters?”

Wanda handed him her bread as he poked a face into his. 

“Hey, Maximoffs, one more thing,” Steve said as he prepared for his day, unaware or ignoring every negative thought in the sleep deprived circle. “You are no longer bathroom buddies for the rest of the day.”

Wanda didn’t know why, but that especially pissed her off. Even if Pietro was really fucking annoying to have to pee with.

“What? This is abuse of power!” Pietro protested. He threw his bread down. “Fuck America. Why?”

“Because the last time you two left for a ‘bathroom break’ you didn’t come back for two hours.”

Was that the time she’d fallen asleep screwing Pietro or the time Pietro got them Taco Bell?

“I had _dysentery_. I’m sorry if small evil gut parasites disrupt my body’s equilibrium!”

“You don't have dysentery,” Clint said.

“Don’t write my life for me.”

Tony glanced at Clint and Pietro, then back at Steve. “Rogers, I think the entire team has gone insane.”

Steve pinched the bridge of his nose. “ _Anyway_ , Nat, you’re Wanda’s new buddy and Clint, you’re Pietro’s new buddy.”

“Are you sure that’s a good idea considering last night?” Tony asked.

“What are you talking about?” Steve replied.

Oh, God.

“I believe Tony is referring to the massager of Agent Barton’s I found last night,” Vision said.

Tony patted Vision’s shoulder. “That wasn’t a massager, my son.”

“We’re fine!” Clint said, standing up. “That’s fine.” Clint looked to Pietro. “Do you have to go, Speedy Bastard?”

Pietro glared at Clint. “I’m not five. You don’t have to check up on me.”

#

Pietro tried so hard to never give Clint the benefit of being the stronger one in their relationship, especially not after the night before, but he’d stolen a giant bottle of Gatorade and it had gotten heavy so he’d drunk most of it in their first two hours doing some field mission.

“Clint!” Pietro whispered.

Clint loaded some arrow, ignoring him.

“Clint!”

The asshole was taking forever to shoot his arrow.

“If you’re ignoring me on purpose…”

He shot his arrow, and Pietro waited.

He started loading another arrow.

“CLINT!”

Clint finally looked over. “What?”

No. No, he was not going to be the one who cracked. “Nevermind.”

Clint rolled his eyes, and they went back to their task.

One minute passed.

Two. Three. Four. Five.

“Hey Pietro?”

“What?”

“Let’s take a break. Gotta piss.”

Oh thank God.

#

Wanda had forgotten their task since the twenty minutes Steve had left them. She glanced at Natasha. Natasha might as well have had elevator music in her head she was thinking so little. Normally, if this was a real mission, for instance, she would’ve been comforted by it. But here, in this abyss of nothing, it made her tense.

“So Wanda…?” Natasha said. Wanda looked over. “Do you have to pee?”

“I’m sure I will at some point.”

They lumbered to their feet and started walking.

#

Clint led them to a very particular, peculiar spot in the wilderness. 

“Why are we standing over a cliff?” Pietro asked as he stared down at the valley below them. It looked like a lot of fluffy bushes, but he knew nature’s trickery. 

“Because I want to push you off a cliff while you piss,” Clint said dryly.

Pietro watched as Clint specifically did not pick a spot over the cliff. “I wouldn’t put it beyond you.”

“What is up with you? You’ve been freaked out all day.”

“Didn’t you have to piss?”

Clint turned away to face some tree and unzipped. Pietro turned and stared at the view, arms crossed, fuming about something he couldn’t even put into words. God, he hated feeling like this. Had the night before _actually happened_? There was no way. Pietro wasn’t gay, or bi or curious or whatever. None of this made sense. Were they going to keep ignoring this?

Pietro became acutely aware of Clint staring at him. “What?”

“Are you gonna go?”

“I don’t have to go.”

“You were doing the potty dance.”

“What the fuck is the potty dance?”

“What—”

Pietro turned around, finger out accusingly. “You _are_ married!”

#

Once Natasha had found them an isolated spot, Wanda sat down and rubbed her temples. 

“So, I was thinking,” Natasha said. Wanda turned to Natasha. “Women are at huge disadvantages in nature. And it’s not a society thing. Totally physical.”

Wanda shrugged. “I don't know. There are plenty of rocks around to throw at guys’ crotches in nature in a pinch.”

“No. I mean, right now. If you accidentally pissed on yourself in a colder wilderness environment, you could die.”

Well.

“What are you getting at?”

And then, Natasha whipped out a fake penis and a half tube looking thing. “STPs. Stand to pee devices. Humankind’s response to the failures of biology.”

“I think humankind made that problem when we started wearing clothes.”

Natasha smirked a little. “Oh, come on Scarlet Witch, you scared of a tube?”

“No. That is a tube.” She pointed to the other one. “ _That_ is a dildo with a hole in it.”

“ _Wan_ -da.”

“No. No. My problem isn’t that you’re asking me piss standing up. My problem is that you chose to buy one of those things in a distinct penis shape.”

Natasha tossed Wanda the non-penis looking one. “Go crazy.”

Wanda mentally went through the steps. There would be no way to get this in without removing at least part of her jeans, and what was the point if she’d have to take off her clothes anyway? How did it stay there? 

Wanda glanced at the penis STP device. 

“So…are you gonna use it first because I don’t know how to use this.”

Natasha gave her a long look, gave a nod, and started unzipping. Somehow, this felt like a step forward from the orgy tent.

#

“We’re not talking about this right now!” Clint said. “We are not leaving until you piss because I’m not stopping again.”

“I’m a speedster. You literally wouldn’t notice if I left.”

“Just go!”

_Fucking ancient useless son of a bitch who may or may not be married he needs to get something shoved up his ass._

Pietro walked to the edge of the cliff, unzipped, and pretended Clint didn’t exist and hadn’t shoved his dick up his ass and that Pietro was Tyrion Lannister or someone cool who had pissed off a cliff.

“Pietro, I can hear what you’re saying,” Clint said.

“Good! You’re—”

“This isn’t about me being married!”

Pietro zipped up. “I’M NOT A BOTTOM!”

And, in that moment, Pietro stepped on a piece of loose ground and slipped off the cliff.

#

Wanda had the strangest feeling that she should feel weird watching Natasha stuff a fake penis in half-down panties, but for some reason she…didn’t?

“Holy shit, it works,” Wanda said. “Do you still have to wipe?”

“I think you would want to.”

Natasha finished with her fake dick, and all eyes went to Wanda. She couldn’t help but feel like it was suddenly colder than two minutes ago. She followed Natasha’s steps, pulled down her pants and shoved the stupid funnel to cover as much area as possible. She followed the line of the tube, and couldn’t decide if the device extended past her shoes.

“You’re good. Go.”

This was not happening. “I…don’t think this is gonna work.”

“Wanda, just pee. I’m almost certain you can do that.”

“No. I…I think I have stage fright.”

“Wanda, it’s just me. You’re not gonna miss. Go.”

She’d just have to do it. Just go.

She was going, it was working fine, it felt wrong as fuck, and then…then God no, it was splashing back. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck.

“Fuck you, Natasha!” was the only English she could come up with as she attempted to not drop the device and spread her legs at the same time.

Natasha was laughing. “You’re fine!”

Fuck nature. _Fuck_ nature.

God knows, but Wanda managed to shake the device out and zip back up without any horrible consequences. But, it was never happening again.

Natasha tossed an arm around Wanda. “What I’d give to have a dick.”

Wanda turned around with an accusatory finger.

“You _do_ have penis envy!”

#

Pietro managed to fall ten feet before an arrow was suddenly dug into his shirt, and another ten feet before he felt Clint fly off the cliff with him.

Rock after rock after rock after grass after tree and into the river.

Or, well, Clint fell into the river; Pietro hit a rock.

Fuck nature.

Pietro clambered to his ass and dug his heels into the dirt to avoid falling in. 

“Swim, fuck-ass!” Pietro called out.

It took about thirty horrible seconds, but Clint managed to drag his body out of the river. Pietro yanked out the arrow and approached Clint.

“Good luck with dysentery,” Pietro said. Clint smiled. “What?” Clint kept smiling. “ _What_?”

“You could’ve yanked out the arrow the moment I fell into the river.”

“Well, I don’t love you. Or want you.”

Clint threw his hands up. “I don’t either!”

There was a long pause.

“Let’s…pretend none of last night ever happened,” Pietro said.

“Amen.”

#

Wanda couldn’t remember what she was excited about. Wanda swore she could hardly recognize Natasha’s face, as if that made sense. Fuck nature.

“Okay,” Natasha was still smiling. “You have a fourth grade education, but you know Freudian theory?”

Wanda crossed her arms. “It’s been relevant.”

“Hey, are you okay about what happened last night?”

Wanda hugged herself. “I don’t know. I like spending time with you, but Pietro…”

Natasha put a hand on her shoulder. “I get it. But tell me if you ever want more toys.”

Wanda paused a little to watch Natasha walk away. Maybe nature wasn’t that bad.

#

To Pietro, the drive home was the best part of the whole trip. 

Having sex with Wanda in the shower back home was even better.


End file.
